Dating as a Woman with a Disability

Let’s get this straight. It’s not easy dating as a disabled woman. It’s not impossible, but it’s not easy. At least not for me. In order to have a successful date, we need to find a person who is sensitized and aware, or at least willing to be. A person who doesn’t look for a magazine body, who wants to meet someone for real, who doesn’t expect someone unreal. A person looking for someone else, no matter what. It is ironic that they reject us for our visible "flaws" but... how many people with invisible "flaws" have we met? Isn’t it much worse? Think about it! The problem is not outside. If you know me a little, you’ll know I don’t look like a shameful person. People often tell me how confident I am, but behind that image are many insecurities and fears. Which I work on, of course. But it helps me a lot to portray that image because it makes me believe it. But in the romantic theme, it costs me a little more.

I remember one time I was talking to a guy through messages. We hadn’t met in person, but as he saw my Instagram photos, I understood that he had seen that I have a limb difference. I often find it difficult to bring it up for fear of being rejected, but I decided to jump in, and it turned out the guy didn’t know what I was talking about. As long as it took him to answer me, I knew he was checking my photos, so he came back to the conversation and said, "It’s okay," but I never heard from him again. Apparently, it wasn’t okay... I have met many guys just like this, and this story has been repeated many times, in different contexts.

For me, my attitude is very different depending on where I am, it is not the same to be betrayed by a screen as it is to be with the person physically. When I am in person, it is much easier for me because I am a very humorous person, and that is a plus for me, so I take the subject more freely. In fact, in that context, I do not usually avoid it. I said, “not usually,” but it is true that sometimes I have gone to a party and I have ended the night with some guy. When we were going back home I realized that in all the time I had been with him I had been avoiding that my stump was seen. Have I really selected whether or not I wanted to be a disabled woman at the time? Yes, I confess.

Whether we want to talk about it or not, one thing is clear: the physical is not the problem. The problem is to pretend that all bodies are the same and that non-disabled bodies are the perfect bodies. And, of course, we should not "talk about this" since it is something so natural that we all should take for granted that there are different bodies and not suffer if they reject us for being as we are. That is the future we must fight for.

I don’t care if this partner is for a date, a night, a few months, or a lifetime. Being comfortable, safe, and respected is everything. And we shouldn’t be ashamed of our disability, but with the pressure to fulfill so many stereotypes it’s normal that we are, but from here I tell you that nothing happens. We have absolute control of ourselves, and whatever we seem to do will be fine. If you need to talk about your condition with that person, do it. If you don’t feel like it, don’t. I have very good experiences, dating guys with whom it has not been necessary to talk and others with whom it has not occurred to me to do it. I am the only one who knows how far I want to go, and having that control is wonderful. It gives me a lot of power. And yes, this whole lesson of self-esteem and empowerment is all very well, but back to the beginning. It is very good that we identify ourselves in our condition, but a very important part is missing: society must be sensitized. We cannot fall under the pressure of not being able to date whomever we want because that same person does not want a woman "like us." We have to be able to meet whoever we want, and we have to fight for that. Our work is very important, and even if it costs us to find the right person, every failed attempt to find someone worth it will have been a lesson in diversity for that person, one less to raise awareness.

I said before that dating as a disabled woman it’s not easy, but let’s finish with that part, sometimes it is. Sometimes magic happens, and you find a person who fits perfectly into the ideal of an equal and respectful partner, not capacitive or paternalistic. There are many men I’ve dated who not only have respected me, but also one of the things they liked most about me was precisely how special my disability makes me. Men who came to me knew what was waiting for them, and they liked that. It was not a reason for rejection. And that is beautiful.

We don’t need to just be loved. We need to be loved the way we are.

Let’s not forget that.