5 Tips on Talking to my partner about Intimacy with a Disability

Sex and intimacy are an important part of life and should be an equal, positive, and happy experience for you and your partner. Disabled people, people who live with chronic illness or a disability have the same needs, desires, and wants as non-disabled people. Your emotions and desires don’t necessarily change when you become disabled or chronically ill. I think that this is a massive taboo subject and one that needs addressing.

I became disabled after an injury and I had the partner that I have now before I had this injury. In my case talking about intimacy with him was fairly easy because we already had that connection and that open dialogue. However, it is not an easy subject to broach when you are newly in a relationship or if you are taking a long-term relationship to a new level of intimacy. This blog aims to guide you in the right direction by suggesting some tips for you. 

Communicate

My first tip when talking about intimacy is to start with good communication. This is the same for both disabled and non-disabled people I believe that this is something that is even more important when you have needs that have to be communicated to your partner. In my case, one of the conditions I have affects my nervous system and therefore the nerves to my sexual organs have also been affected. What would satisfy me prior to my diagnosis was no longer what I needed when becoming intimate. Fatigue also plays a major role in many disabled or chronically ill peoples’ lives so intimacy may feel like something that you just don’t have the energy for, and that’s ok too. There are no right or wrong answers here just what works for you. Remember that intimacy itself can come in many forms. Whether it’s sitting on the sofa and having a cuddle, holding hands, or lying in bed and caressing each other. It can also be intimate touching of yourself or your partner, mutual masturbation, or kissing. It does not necessarily need to lead to intercourse and penetration. Your partner cannot read your mind so you need to be at a place in your relationship to have the confidence for a full and frank conversation. This conversation should include what you like, what you don’t like, what you would like your partner to do with you, and what is off-limits. It is also worth mentioning here that some disabled and chronically ill people actually find sexual intercourse painful. You might not want to engage in this kind of activity at all, and that’s ok! Our body language, facial expressions, eye contact, level of distractedness, and tone of voice often are perceived more readily than the words that are being said. When we say actions speak louder than words it’s actually true in this case. Make more noise with what you are enjoying!

Explore

Tip two for me is to consider finding out what you enjoy first by exploring your own body and maybe the use of sex toys. There is nothing to be ashamed of by masturbating and finding out what works for you. Maybe you already know what works for you and that’s great if you do. There are a few companies whose sex toys are quite good for those with a disability. There are virtually hands-free toys for males and females. Have a little search online and the packaging is always discreet. If you are comfortable with pleasuring yourself then showing this to your partner will be easier. It’s also worth bearing in mind that nothing is ever perfect the first time, practice is needed to understand how your body responds and what things you enjoy. 

Boundaries

This can be both physical boundaries and emotional boundaries. Boundaries are not necessarily something that places a physical barrier between you and your partner. Having healthy boundaries set up in your life is a way of creating a safe space for you, your mental and physical health, and your identity. By creating these boundaries, you are setting expectations when interacting with your partner, and this can give you a sense of empowerment and self-respect. It will also ensure your physical and emotional comfort is being looked after. You can separate your wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings from the start so that there is no confusion or miscommunication. You might need to spend some time actually reflecting on this by yourself so that you are clear with what you are comfortable with. I enjoy journalling and I explore my feelings on a subject by looking for journal prompts for a topic. For example, ask yourself questions such as ‘Are there parts of your body that you would not be happy with being touched or even seen?’ ‘Am I ready for sharing aspects of my body with my partner?’ ‘Are there any unresolved issues from previous intimate encounters that I might need addressing prior to broaching the intimacy issue?’ ‘Are there any aspects of your illness or condition that you have not yet come to terms with and that you would prefer to keep to yourself.’ (This could include scarring from surgery, self-harm scarring, or anything that might trigger an emotional or negative reaction.)

 When it comes to actually having the conversation about intimacy there is no right or wrong way of going about it. Some examples of starting off a conversation could include; ‘I have really been enjoying all the time we have spent together and before we take things to another level by getting intimate, I would like to have a conversation about it so that we can make sure that we are on the same page.’ If something has prompted the conversation such as your partner going to kiss you and making other moves towards intimacy you could say, ‘I am so into this, I really love that our relationship is leading this way. I would like to have a discussion with you before we move any further than this so that we can feel comfortable with our boundaries’. It is a really exciting stage of a relationship so try and set these boundaries so you can feel completely relaxed about moving onto intimacy. Bear in mind that your boundaries may change over time with a flare-up or settling down of symptoms or if you try something you do not want to try again. Try to always keep an open line of communication with your partner and understand it’s okay for boundaries to change as you do. 

Educate Yourself

 I would advise learning as much as possible about your disability and how it will affect your intimate relationships. In some cases, sex can actually flare up symptoms. Conditions such as interstitial cystitis/ bladder pain syndrome can really have a disruptive effect on intimate encounters and indeed all aspects of sex. Many women with this condition or vulvodynia will have pain during intercourse or orgasm and it can also lead to a flare-up later on. Men with this condition can have genital or perineal pain after sex. Both of these problems can lead to a low libido or erectile dysfunction. This is just one condition that can affect intimate relationships, there are literally thousands of disabilities and chronic illnesses so educating yourself on your own is essential. It may be that your partner has a disability or long-term condition too, so learn as much as you can about their condition. There is always a massive amount on the internet by searching for your condition. Make sure that you are searching a reputable website and that the information that you are searching for is correct. You may need to speak to your doctor or specialist if you have a complex medical history and if you are worried about contraindications. There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about doing this, your doctor will definitely have heard the question before and will not embarrassed answering your questions. If you are not comfortable doing this then you could look at going onto an anonymous sexual advice online service and ask questions there without feeling like you have seen someone face to face. 

Be Patient 

Remember that intimacy is a journey, and not everything has to happen in that first intimate encounter. It is likely that it will take time to find out what works best for you and your partner. Be patient with yourselves as you navigate this new and exciting aspect of your relationship together. I personally think that learning to laugh about the things that go wrong is a great way to be with your relationship and it takes the pressure off each other. You might need to experiment and take time to try different methods and different positions till you find what works for you. Again, this is the same for both disabled and non-disabled people. Patience and trial and error can lead to a really satisfying and fulfilling relationship.